Why Itachi Killed His Mom
by Etheara
Summary: Inspired by a pic on deviantArt and by Melodramatic Writer's Special Effects. Crack. Pure, unadulterated crack.
1. Mom's Homemade Green Tea

A/N: Inspired by "Special Effects" by **Melodramatic Writer. **Yay! MW, I'm finally off my butt!

Disclaimer: Just because I've eaten 'naruto' before, doesn't mean I own it….in fact, I stopped owning it the minute I went to the bathroom.

* * *

_Androgyny is a curse…_

He could feel his mother's blatant stare as he drank the fresh brew of warm herbal tea.

"Itachi, you look like a girl."

Itachi choked. Really, his mother had the strangest of musings….

"Mother, I have been alive for nearly fifteen years and you just noticed?!" His throat still burned from the hot tea. His mother grinned.

"Well, we hardly spend any time together…."

_Because you're too busy fawning over _Sasuke-kun, he thought.

"….and I've been thinking about what my future grand-children would look like."

The table surface was covered in a spray of tea mixed with saliva. Itachi wiped his mouth and sighed. "Mother…"

Her grin widened. "What? Itachi-kun, I didn't think it would be a problem when you were twelve."

"Mother, please don't think what I think you're thinking." Mitoko's grin widened to a fox-like smirk. "Oh, you were so cute when you were twelve!" Then her grin faded into a scowl. "You had half of the Konoha girls at your disposal, some of them even older than you! But no, you had to act like girls have 'cooties'! I'm not getting any younger and I want grandchildren, damn it!"

Oh, dear. The old 'make-grandchildren-speech'. Itachi regretted coming to visit his mother.

Fake tears swelled in her eyes. "Ever since you moved out, I've been so lonely-"

Itachi cut in, "Then make more kids." Mitoko's eyes burned with the intensity of a thousand suns.

"Pft. Your father can't last even a minute now!" Then she added casually. "Besides, I had my tubes tied."

Inside, Itachi died as an image of his mother and father in bed appeared in his subconscious. _I have been scarred for life…_

Mikoto continued. "Not to mention, there's an advantage to having grandchildren. I can cuddle them, but I don't have to take care of them!" She was cheerful again.

"Oh, by the way, that girl from the Ichiraku Ramen bar–oh, _what was her name again?_ - sent these free coupons!" She held up three coupons for a 'Free Ramen Meal'.

Itachi didn't miss the sly look in his mother's eyes as he calmly sipped his tea.

"No."

"But-!"

"Forget it."

"She's a nice girl-!"

"So were the other fifty girls you sent after me." He shuddered at the thought. One of them wasn't even a _girl_.

Mitoko put her foot down. Figuratively, of course.

"Now listen here, young man, if you don't go, you will never hear the end of this!"

Itachi sighed, grabbed the coupons, and stuffed them in his pocket. Mitoko grinned. "I'm glad you reconsidered." Itachi scowled, put on his ninja sandals, and left.

But not before he managed to hear his mother's next words.

"Itachi-kun, don't forget to take some condoms with you!"

Die. Uchiha Mitoko must _die_.

* * *

A/N: Another chapter should be out. Don't forget to practice safe sex, kiddies! Our planet's populated enough as it is.

So, Ayame and Itachi? Hmmmmm, could work. Possibly. Maybe?

Oh, who cares?! IT'S CRACK!!

Review! It's meh favorite kind of crack 3. 


	2. At Ichiraku's

A/N: Here's the next chapter! Woot! I'm on a roll! (The little box-thingy is supposed to be a smiley) Oooh, I forgot to mention in the previous chapter that in food, 'naruto' is a kind of kamaboko with a red whirling pattern, used as a topping for noodles such as ramen or hot soba.

Anyways, there's some Itachi/Ayame fluff in this chapter. Itachi may be OOC, but this is a crack fic, so, who cares?!

Disclaimer: Yes, I do own naruto! Oh, wait, you mean the manga/anime? Nope. My mind is nothing like Kishimoto-sensei's.

* * *

_From noodles to……dates?!_

Itachi's left eyebrow twitched.

The Ichiraku Ramen bar wasn't what he…..expected. As he went under the flaps, he spotted a little boy with shockingly blond and spiky hair. He looked to be around eight, Sasuke's age, and was devouring ramen like there was no tomorrow.

With a final slurp, the little boy held out his bowl and screamed, "Ayame-nee-chan! More ramen, please!"

"Matte, Naruto!"

The voice, a feminine one, came from, Itachi observed, the kitchen.

The owner of the voice came out. She was a young girl, albeit, a little flushed from running towards the counter, possibly thirteen or fourteen, with reddish-brown hair, dark eyes and a very…._cute_ smile.

The great Itachi, using the word 'cute'. The world is going to end.

The girl-Ayame, he deduced-gave the little boy, Naruto, a warm smile and added more steaming hot noodles to his bowl. "Here you go, Naruto, enjoy!"

Naruto nodded and began to gulf down the noodles.

It was then that Ayame noticed him. Her pink flush from earlier bloomed into a rosy blush and she clasped her hands together in front of her in what, Itachi assumed to be, a shy manner.

"I-Itachi-san, w-what brings y-you here?"

Itachi nearly rolled his eyes, but instead, he took out a ramen coupon and held it out for her to see.

She lightly gasped. Itachi ignored the way her rosy lips parted.

He jerked the coupon closer to her, intending for her to take it. When she didn't, he sighed and placed the coupon on the counter. "My mother said you gave them to me."

She kept staring until his glare put her out of her stupor.

"O-oh." she mumbled. "They're for everybody."

Wait, _what_?

She continued, all the while twiddling some of her hair. "A couple of days ago, I've been delivering ramen coupons to as many people as I could. The Tanabata festival is coming soon, and my father wants as many customers on that day. I gave some coupons to your mother." She paused. "And…."

Itachi amused himself at her look of discomfort. "Go on."

She bit her lower lip and her eyes darted towards Naruto's direction, staring at him as he finished up his noodles. An excuse to not look at Itachi in the eyes. "…..I stopped by your place, but one of the neighbors said you were on an important ANBU mission, so I came back to your mother's home and asked her if she could give them to you." Her flush came back full-force.

Silence. Then….

"Do you expect me to go?"

Ayame's eyes nervously, she asked, "T-to the T-Tanabata festival?! W-Well, yes. I was hoping you would come." _With me, _she thought.Realizing at what she said, she hastily added, "No, you don't have to come!" Itachi noticed her eyes were a bit downtrodden at her last statement.

"Hn."

More silence ensued. Naruto had long finished his noodles and was waiting for Ayame to pay attention to him. So, he did what he usually does to get attention. Scream like an idiot.

"Oi, you two lovebirds, are you done yet?! Hurry up so I can pay! I wanna go home!"

Itachi immediately stared him down with an icy glare that promised pain. Naruto gulped.

Ayame gasped. "N-Naruto-kun! I-Itachi-san and I-I mean we-I mean we're not what you think we are!"

Gathering his wits, Naruto retaliated. "Well, then he's an idiot like Sasuke-dobe if he doesn't take a pretty girl like you to the festival!"

Ayame blushed.

"Don't compare me to my brother, you little brat." Oh, really smart Itachi, bickering with a little kid.

"Shut up! I'm gonna be Hokage one day, and I'm gonna kick your ass, dattebayo!"

By now, several people, including a woman wearing a suspicious-looking coat, were gathering by to see what all the fuss was about. Most of them were girls (hey, it's Itachi) with fangirl squeals and hearts in their eyes.

"Naruto-kun!" That wasn't Ayame.

It was Ayame's father, Ichiraku-san.

"Naruto-kun, don't use language like that in front of my customers!"

"I _am_ one of your customers, oji-san!"

"Don't be smart with me, young man! And I am not old!"

"Otou-san! Naruto-kun! Please, stop. I-Itachi-san is here."

Ichiraku-san looked Itachi over and smiled.

"Ah, Itachi-san, what brings you here?" The fangirls swooned. Itachi glared at them and they scurried off like the little rats they were.

Itachi showed him the coupons. Ichiraku-san looked them over and said to Ayame, "Start brewing the noodles, Ayame-chan."

"Hai! Right away otou-san!"

"That will not be necessary, Ichiraku-san, Ayame-chan."

Ayame blushed at being called with the '-chan' honorific by Itachi. Ichiraku-san was dumbfounded.

Itachi explained. "I came to return them. I won't be needing the coupons."

Ichiraku nodded. "Ah, do you have an assigned mission on Tanabata day? That's too bad."

"No."

By now, Naruto, knowing that he was going to be ignored, took out Gama-chan, left some money and a coupon, and got up to go home. But not before Ayame (blush now subsided) left her father and Itachi talking, went around the counter, grabbed his wrist, put another couple of coupons in his palm, and gave him a small peck on each of his whisker-marked cheeks. She smiled. "I'll see you at the festival, Naruto-kun."

Naruto blushed, and then grinned. "Thanks, Ayame-nee-chan! Don't worry! You'll see me every day!"

Ayame giggled. "Just promise me you'll behave ne?"

His grin was now fox-like. "Okay. I promise dattebayo!" Then, he ran off. Ayame sighed.

"Somehow, I doubt it." She said this more to herself as she watched Naruto run towards his home.

"ORO?!"

Ayame quickly turned around. Her father had a flabbergasted look on his face and Itachi looked rather…..smug?

"You heard me, Ichiraku-san."

"But-but, then who will help me run the shop on Tanabata day?!"

Itachi gave a nonchalant shrug. "That is your problem, not mine." He was about to leave, however he turned and called out to Ayame. "Dress nicely and meet me at 6:00 p.m. by the Hokage's tower on Tanabata day. Don't be late."

"Ara?" _Brilliant, Ayame-chan. Simply brilliant. Pft. Not._

Ichiraku-san called out in protest. "Hold on. I didn't say you have my permission! Ayame has to help me run the shop!"

Itachi scowled. "I told you, that's your problem." Seeing the confused look on Ayame's face, Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Ayame, you will not help out your father on Tanabata."

Ayame swallowed the lump in her throat. "But, why not?"

Itachi sighed, ignored Ichiraku-san's protests, and came up in front of her. He was almost a head higher than her, she noticed. He then cupped his right hand at her left cheek (her blush was back again), leaned by her right ear and whispered.

"You will be too busy enjoying the festival with me…" Ayame's eyes widened and she slightly moaned at the feel of Itachi's rough hand at her cheek and hot breath at her ear.

"….as my date."

* * *

A/N: I had to end this. Otherwise, I would have turned this chappie into a one-shot. I want more crack-y Mitoko in here (actually, she was).

Anyway, whew! Five pages on word! I almost beat my record. My fingers feel like they're gonna fall off T-T

If you're wondering, the Tanabata festival was, like, in July. Look it up on Wikipedia.

Oh, 'Oro?' could be translated as 'huh?' and 'Ara' is the female equivalent. Thank you Rurouni Kenshin.

By the way, cookies and kudos to as who can guess who the woman wearing the 'suspicious-looking-coat' is.

Review! I want meh crack! XD


	3. The Stirrings Begin

A/N: I want to get into the habit of updating as much as I can because school starts next week, so I'll be starting my junior year and I won't be updating as much. Omg, the tests and papers and why did sign up for AP classes?! I must have been on crack. That's the only explanation.

Anyways, thank a bunch to BrdomIsTheDvl, Blackheart Syaoran, and Melodramatic Writer for reviewing! Oh, and to future reviewers as well!

Disclaimer:

I am very poor,

I do not own Naruto,

The world is happy.

Spiffy haiku, ne?

* * *

_The stage has been set, let our characters act…but what is the plot?_

"10,000 ryo!"

"50,000 ryo!"

Ichiraku-san slammed his fists on his table and pointed at the shadowy figure in front of him. "100,000 ryo and that's final!"

"I accept!" responded the shadowy figure. Ichiraku-san nodded in agreement.

"You do realize that if he makes a move on her, I will castrate him, right?"

"Pft. A genius shinobi like Itachi? Not likely. After all, he did get his smarts from me."

"All right then, if you're so sure….why don't we make this wager a little more….interesting?"

The shadows receded to reveal a woman with dark hair and equally dark eyes. "Enlighten me, Ichiraku-san."

Uchiha Mikoto gave Ichiraku-san her foxiest and slyest grin ever.

* * *

"Did you hear?! Itachi-kun has a date for the festival!"

"No way! Who?!"

"That girl from the Ichiraku ramen bar."

"Her?! What's so special about her? She's not exactly the village beauty if you ask me."

"But she's really nice."

"True, but why couldn't Itachi go after Hana Inuzuka?"

"Yeah, at least Hana is a kunoichi who can defend herself."

Ayame sighed as she walked along the village path towards the river with a basket full of laundry. Somehow, the rumors of her going with Itachi to the Tanabata festival spread like a disease in the village. Already this morning, she had to close the ramen stand in fear of the crowding and angry Itachi Fanclub fangirls. Who knew a club like that even existed?

But, Ayame was far too giddy to let silly little rumors get the better of her. Itachi-kun asked her out on a date! As she came by the river's edge and placed her basket by it, she placed her left hand on her left cheek and blushed.

She could still feel the warm and rough touch of his hand and his hot breath and lips against her ear.

* * *

Itachi held back a sneeze.

"Oi, Itachi, ya feelin' alright?"

"It is nothing to worry about, Shisui."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"Go spar with Tetsuko. Your combat ability is lacking."

Shisui whined. "But she's a girl!"

Itachi remarked, "And yet it was you who was sent to the hospital with a dislocated arm and a busted ribcage."

"….Fine. Oi, Tetsuko! Wanna spar?" Tetsuko grinned at him and motioned for him to come. "Later, Itachi!" And he scurried off towards Tetsuko.

As ANBU squad leader, it was Itachi's duty to train his squadron. But right now, his mind was far from thinking about training. He looked down at his right hand and slightly sighed. His fingers and palm still remembered the sensation of Ayame's warm, smooth and soft cheek. And he could still smell a mixture of her soft perfume mixed with the salty smell of ramen as he whispered against her ear.

He gently shook his head. He was being delusional. Ayame was just his date and that's that.

Yet, why did his insides squirm at the thought of taking someone else to the festival instead?

* * *

A/N: Next chapter's coming up in a while. I promise, the next chapter will have more humor. Or crack. Whichever you prefer. This was just a transitory chapter. I do want it to flow nicely.

Oh, in Japan, it's superstition that if you sneeze, someone is talking things about you.

Push the pretty purple button and I get crack. XD


	4. Mom Knows Best

A/N: I have nothing else to do, so, yeah, I'm gonna be updating as many chapters as I can. There will be many, so this fic won't end so soon.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Naruto plot. If I did, then what plot would exist? Crack all the way, I say! XD

* * *

_Mothers know everything, so mothers know best…or not?_

If there was one thing Itachi loved more than anything else was silence. Complete and utter silence. Maybe throw in some solitude in there, too.

But today, it seemed, he was getting none of that.

After training, _all_ of the men from his squadron, and a couple of Jonin, came up to him and asked idiotic questions like:

"So, Itachi, who's the chick you're going out with to the Tanabata festival?"

"Is she cute?"

"Hey, Itachi, you want some pointers?"

"Can you hook me up with one of her friends?"

To which Itachi all answered with his trademark glare, this time, with the Sharingan activated. They quickly retreated at the sight of the rotating pin-wheel shaped stigmas against the blood hued irises.

Glad at the effects of the Sharingan, Itachi disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Tetsuo, Tetsuko's twin brother, wiped the sweat of his brow as his heartbeat slowed down.

"I'm starting to think that a chick must be crazy to accept dates from a guy like Itachi."

"Aren't all girls like that?" asked Shisui. He was still a little sore from sparring with Tetsuko.

Tetsuo smirked. "Just look at my sister, Tetsuko."

Shisui smirked back. "I see what you mean."

The Konoha Hospital staff were befuddled as to why a smirking Tetsuko was carrying in both a bruised and beat up Tetsuo and Shisui.

* * *

After Ayame finished doing her laundry, she decided to go to the Ramen bar and check up on a few things. Plus, she figured that Naruto would probably be there, wondering why Ichiraku was closed. She giggled at the thought of looking at his adorable little pout.

"Ayame-chan!"

Ayame turned to see who was calling out her name.

"Uchiha-san?"

Mikoto smiled. "Call me Mikoto-chan! Hey, Ayame, would you like to come by my house for some tea?"

"Sorry, umm, Mikoto-chan, but I have to go and check up on the stand."

Mikoto pressed on. "Nonsense, Ayame-chan! Your father is already at the stand." Then she muttered darkly, "I made sure of that."

"Ara?"

Mikoto put on a happy façade. "Nothing! Let's go!"

And with that, she dragged the poor girl to the Uchiha compound.

* * *

A puff of smoke, and Uchiha Itachi was inside his apartment. Clean, organized, and without a hair out of place. Except, he observed, for that note on his small dining table. He picked it up and saw that it had the Uchiha symbol on it. He quickly scanned through the note.

_Itachi-kun,_

_I have kidnapped your little girlfriend! Come to my house now, or Ayame-chan will pay!_

_Your loving mother, _

_Uchiha Mikoto._

_P.S: I left you some ramen and some dango in the fridge in case you get hungry._

The door gave a big slam before the note even fell to the floor.

* * *

"Is something wrong, Mikoto-san?"

Mikoto stopped from pacing back and forth as Ayame served some green tea.

_Quick, Mikoto, think of an excuse!_

"Uhhh, I'm just….uhh…waiting for my husband, Fugaku!" _Saved!_

Ayame smiled. "I would be very pleased if I could meet him, Mikoto-san."

"Mikoto-_chan, _dear. Oh, you'll be meeting all of the Uchiha's in time." Ignoring Ayame's confused expression, Mikoto heard quick footsteps outside the shoji door. _Yes! He's here!_

"Ayame-chan," she said. A little _too_ loudly. "Could you-"

The shoji door slid open to reveal Itachi-ANBU uniform still on-with the scariest glare Mikoto had ever received. A glare that promised so many unmentionable horrors.

"Mother." He said icily. "What is the meaning of this?"

Nervously, Ayame spoke while slightly twiddling the ends of her apron. "K-Konbanwa, Itachi-san. Umm, Mikoto-san invited me over for some….tea?"

Itachi merely arched an eyebrow at her direction. But, Mikoto noticed, his glare softened at her.

To save face, Mikoto added, "Itachi-_kun_! What an _unexpected_ visit! I'm so glad you came! I was just about to show Ayame-chan your baby pictures!"

The glare he sent at her was now beyond freezing point.

"Mikoto-san, I thought we were waiting for Fugaku-san?" _D'oh!_

"Mother, Father is still working at the Uchiha Police Headquarters. He won't be back until later at night." _Mou! I'm out of excuses!_

Desperately, Mikoto looked around the room. "Umm, uhh….oh, look at the time! My soap-operas are on! Sayuri is just about to catch Sanzo cheating on her with Momo! Behave while I'm gone! Bye-bye!" And she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Which left Itachi and Ayame all _alone._

* * *

A/N: I just got another review from Melodramatic Writer! Thank you so very much!! So, I'm gonna dedicate this chapter to ya! Enjoy it!


	5. The Kiss That Almost Was

A/N: Yup. Still goin'.

Disclaimer:

Do I own the plot?

Perhaps only in my dreams.

So, I'll dream forever.

Meh, haikus are pretty easy to write.

* * *

_Lips so close, yet the kiss is so far…_

_Alone._

Only one word, yet, the meaning of it spoke volumes of intimacy.

Itachi was still by the door, giving Ayame an unwavering and emotionless stare. Ayame's head was slightly bowed, her parted bangs shading some part of her face. Her lips wanted to move, to say _something._ Yet, she hesitated to speak. But the question still lingered in the air.

_What happens now?_

It was Ayame who broke the ice.

"U-Umm, Itachi-san, would you…like some tea before it gets cold?" There, starting a conversation wasn't so bad, now was it? But why did she feel her chest beat a heavy thump?

She looked up to see that Itachi was no longer by the shoji screen. Instead, her eyes widened as she saw him in front of her, an arm (with contoured muscle, Ayame noticed) extended with a small tea cup in his large hand. Ayame looked puzzled. Itachi resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"You offered."

A short statement, yet Ayame heard enough to understand.

"Oh! Gomen!" And she poured him and herself tea.

The awkward silence receded into a comfortable one, as the silence was merely broken by a sip of tea or the clinking of the tea cup against the table. Ayame wondered if the rush of adrenaline she felt inside her body was from excitement or nervousness. Her eyes wandered, only to lock with Itachi's. His intense gaze bore into her eyes, making the rush of her heart beat faster. It was the latter, she decided, and averted her eyes.

Ayame felt she _needed_ to say something, as the silence was starting to unnerve her. But what else could she say?

"I…apologize." The dumbfounded look didn't appear on her face this time. Instead, her dark eyes only widened. However, Itachi's soft- spoken words gave her confidence to speak.

"You don't have to, Itachi-san."

Itachi's stony expression was still set in place. Then, his eyebrows came together slowly. The expression on his face did not suit him. However, his eyes asked the question.

_What do you mean?_

Ayame thought for a moment, and then answered. "I only came with your mother because…." Should she say it? She looked into his eyes once more and smiled.

"….because I knew I'd be able to see you again."

His silence did not surprise her. But Ayame still smiled, having been able to _finally_ say what was on her mind. Rather, finally being able to say what was in her heart.

"You knew she was lying, then?"

Ayame flushed her signature rosy hue.

Itachi gave a small nod. "That's all I need to know." What was that in his voice? Disappointment?

Even so, she gave a small smile. "I suppose….I should be heading home."

"Are you really that desperate to leave?"

Ayame gasped in shock. Was he…did he just sound…. a bit…sad?

Itachi suddenly got up and headed towards the shoji door. Was he going to leave her? He put on his ninja sandals and slid the door about two inches open.

After a pause, he said, "Come."

He turned slightly to face her, and Ayame easily understood his eyes.

"Oh! Let me clean up first!" She gathered the tea set on the tray, when Itachi's voice stopped her.

"Leave it. I'll have my mother clean it up. After all, you are her guest."

Ayame slightly bit her lip, another habit she was forming along with stuttering and twiddling her fingers. All because of this boy in front of her.

"Are you sure?"

"You do not live here and neither do I. So come, it's getting late." Ayame immediately understood that it irritated him when he had to repeat himself. Itachi fully opened the shoji door and let her walk out first. Ayame smiled. She supposed he could be a complete gentleman if he wanted to. He then shut the door with a firm snap and they both walked out of the Uchiha compound.

As they walked towards Ayame's home, Ayame would tell him trivial little things and Itachi would just nod and stay silent. It didn't matter that he only replied in short "Hn's". What mattered was that he listened. And Ayame figured, that's all she needed.

* * *

Mikoto gave a short growl of frustration. Really, Itachi was so stubborn.

_Just you wait, Teuchi, you haven't won yet! I'll get them tomorrow for sure._

She headed back to her room. No use in staying and spying on the teens if Itachi already figured out she was doing just that. Besides, the grand finale of her favorite soap-opera was about to start.

_Ahhh, wait for me, my sweet carton tub of vanilla ice cream!_

* * *

They had arrived at her home.

Ayame slightly pouted.

Itachi just gave her his questioning look. Ayame sighed and smiled when she turned to face Itachi.

"Thank you for walking me home, Itachi-san. I really enjoyed...our walk." She blushed again. Our? It sounded foreign on her tongue. But all the same, pleasing.

She tensed as she felt hot breath by her right ear. "Perhaps we should do it again, Ayame-chan." Inside, Ayame couldn't resist the sound of his voice. It was like chocolate to the ears.

She quickly turned her head to face him; to tell him that she wanted…..

But she never told him. Thin lips were a few inches from her face, and all she could do was stare.

Was she ready? She squeezed her eyes shut as she waited for his contact. It never came.

"Ah, Itachi-san, thank you for bringing my daughter home!"

Ayame opened her eyes. Inside, she was half annoyed and half relieved. Annoyed for being interrupted, but relieved that they were. Who knows if she could have stopped herself before it got too far?

"You're welcome, Ichiraku-san." And he turned around without looking at Ayame and disappeared in a flash.

Ayame just gently hung her head. The moment, _her moment_, was ruined. Was Itachi angry? Why didn't he look in her eyes, or give her a silent good-bye at the least?

"Now, now, Ayame, don't think that I didn't know what that boy was about to do.", reprimanded Teuchi.

Ayame slightly frowned. "You were spying on me?"

Before Teuchi could answer, she walked into the house, entered her room, and went to sleep, too tired to think.

Teuchi inwardly grunted.

_Mikoto, damn you, you almost won! I'll have to do something before it's too late! I will win!_

But the sadness in his daughter's eyes kept appearing in his mind.

_But, can I do it?_

He sighed as well and went inside.

* * *

A/N: I finally found out Ichiraku-san's name!

Anyways, yay! More fluff!

I understand the faves, but I really want to know my readers' opinions.

Review so I can get meh crack! XD

Seriously, I really want to know what you guys think.


	6. The Femme Fatale species

I.G.S' Note: (new muse; see profile for more info) Umm…DNNB-chan is moping as of now due to (spoiler warning!: if any) her recent discovery of Itachi's death…

So, I convinced her to finish updating the story as a homage to Itachi, in her opinion, 'the bestest bad-ass bishie to ever exist in the realm of Naruto'. Though she hasn't forgotten about Gaara.

Anyways, let's get on with the technicalities, shall we?

Ahem, "DoodleNoodle-no-baka has no ownership rights over Naruto, who belongs to Masashi Kishimoto."

Although, she's starting to claim that Masashi has 'favoritism' over Sasuke, even though I kind of like him a little myself…

(Somewhere in the room): TRAITOR!!

* * *

_Brother and brother: a heart-to-heart chat about species that is…girls…._

Itachi groggily woke up to the streaming sunlight. Adjusting to his surroundings, he remembered that he came over to his mother's house after he escorted Ayame to her home. He would've gone straight to his own apartment, had it not been for the huge crowd of idiotic fangirls at his doorstep, complaining over his choice of date for the festival. Which reminded him, was only two days away.

Getting the covers off of his bare chest(!), he got up and walked out his old room. Nostalgia drifted through him. _'This is where I gave Sasuke his first wedgie'._

Speak of the devil, there he was, waiting right outside his room. Closing the shoji door, he turned around and crossed his arms to face him.

"What do you want, Sasuke?"

Sasuke, round-faced, innocent, and with a gap-tooth smile, nervously spoke.

"Uh…Itachi-nii…umm…how do you….you know, get a girl to….ummm…go out with you."

Itachi was at a loss. The brat was actually asking him for dating advice. Something of a problem, as he himself had no clue. Ayame was the first girl he had asked directly and he had ignored every single girl before that. Though, he was beginning to ponder what made Ayame so special for him to be so…forward.

"Brother…?"

Itachi snapped out of his reverie.

"So, how do you do it?"

Sasuke, in all his years, idolized his older brother, and thought of him as the person he could go to for all of his questions. But, his silence made him to start doubting that possibility.

Itachi couldn't believe what he was about to do."……Females….are…"

Sasuke looked at him with unwavering attention.

" … An entirely different sort of species. They have different interests and dislikes. Although, sometimes they agree in opinions, they can be very dangerous when provoked. To attract them, we, as males, must have some qualities that they approve of."

Sasuke nodded. "Like what sort of qualities?"

Itachi was no expert. If anything, he just decided to be blunt. "Qualities such as physical beauty, intelligence, emotional appeal, male endowment and sexual prowess."

Sasuke, quick as a whip, blushed. "But-but… that's so many qualities! Why do we need them for, if mom always told me to be myself?"

"That depends on the girl in question. So, who is the girl in question?"

Sasuke blushed even deeper. "Hinata….Hyuuga."

Itachi quirked an eyebrow. The Hyuuga heiress? In his opinion, she was a little meek, in an adorable sense, with large eyes that were mesmerizing yet somewhat creepy.

Sasuke must have misread Itachi's facial expression because he quickly interjected. "She's really nice! She doesn't talk much, and she's not that strong, but she doesn't annoy me much like Sakura, and she's gentle.. And….and I….."

He trailed off as he smiled, thinking of said girl.

"And…?"

His little brother broke out of his stupor and with a determined look in his eye, said, "….and I want to protect her no matter what!"

Itachi's eyes slightly widened before he placed back his stoic façade. With a sigh, he closed his eyes and walked past Sasuke.

"What a lovesick little fool you are."

Sasuke put his head down, so as not to show his tears.

"Just ask her to come with you to the festival alongside Ayame and I." And with that, Itachi turned and disappeared back into his old room.

Sasuke just stared at the shoji door where his brother had been before he cracked a full-blown grin and ran towards the Hyuuga estate.

Mikoto grinned her devious grin from where she hid. _'Perfect!_ _All is according to plan, and even better, looks the Hyuugas will soon be our in-laws!'_

* * *

Within the Hyuuga estate's beautiful gardens, little Hinata Hyuuga sneezed before a servant came to announce that someone was at the gates looking for her.

* * *

(!)I.G.S: Well, DNNB-chan is drooling….at least she's not moping. Please review!


	7. Daddy Dearest, Not

A/N: Hah! I'm not mope-y anymore! (Itachi-kun, I miss you T-T) Well, maybe a little. Yesh, I updated again the next day, er, today. I'm kind of on a roll.

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

(Why do I keep putting these things up, shouldn't it be obvious from the first chapter?!)

* * *

The midday sun, high over the Leaf Village, shined upon everyone bustling through the town. Jovialities aside, a girl attending to a little ramen stand was nothing but oblivious to it.

Last night was, or would've been, her initiation to womanhood. Her one and only first kiss. To think that Itachi was so close to claiming it was a wonder by itself, and Ayame could only wonder more what could've been if their lips had touched no thanks to a certain _someone…_

Speaking of which…

"Ayame, will you get your head out of the clouds and pay attention?! You're burning the ramen!"

She gasped as the smell of burnt noodles wavered her attention. Well, she wasn't in the clouds anymore but she was damn near close to being on cloud nine last night…

"Sorry, otou-san!"

Ah, yes, dear otou-san.

Since this morning when she woke up, her father began to tell her a lecture (rant) about how girls her age shouldn't be thinking and doing things like that, how he doesn't like the 'Uchiha boy', and especially how he doesn't like the 'Uchiha boy's' mother (something about a manipulative wench with disregards to fair play).

Ayame had done the right thing that every girl would do in her place. She just ignored him and slammed the door on his face.

Which drove him into another seemingly-never-ending rant about 'respecting your elders' and such. Well, he didn't shut up until they reached the ramen stand.

So now, as he ranted about how her inattentiveness was going to cost him all sorts of expenses and customers, a sweet and sugary voice cut in.

"My, my, Teuchi-san. Aren't being a little hard on the girl today?"

He gasped and pointed.

"You! What are you doing here, you manipulative bi-…-I mean, greetings, Mitoko-san what brings you here?" His jaw was hurting due to his tightly clenched teeth. No foul language shall ever be present in his daughter's…presence.

Mitoko grinned a sweet grin at Ayame. "I just came by to check on Ayame. But she looks fine to me. Of course, she would be, after all, Itachi, ANBU-captain-and-ninja-extraordinaire, was there to protect her. Who wouldn't want to be with a gentleman like Itachi? Right, Teuchi-san?"

He frowned. "If by 'gentleman' you mean 'brat that was about to taint my precious daughter with his weasel-lips', then yes, he IS a gentleman!"

Mitoko mock-gasped. "Why, my Itachi would never do such a thing! Would he Ayame?"

Ayame, now the center of the conversation stuttered. "Um n-no…I-I mean, he was about to…I mean, no! Itachi is a complete gentleman!"

"There, you see, Teuchi-san? Even your own daughter confirms it. Of course, she should after all, she did spend some time _alone _with him before he brought her home…."

"What?!"

"Otou-san! Nothing happened, I swear!"

"If that brat ever lays a finger on you…I'll…I'll…"

Mitoko stared at him with devilish dark eyes. "I assure you, Ayame-chan is in safe hands. Bye the way Ayame-chan, would you like to come over for some tea again?"

Ayame fingered her hands with her apron. "I'd really like to, but, I have to help my father with the stand and-"

"Nonsense! A lovely girl like you shouldn't be working in this stand. You know, if you come with me now, you might just catch Itachi before he leaves to go train his ANBU squadron. Of course, you don't have to come, but Itachi might be assigned a mission so you probably wouldn't see him until the very day of the festival. But, Ayame-chan, if he's your date, shouldn't you get to know him better?"

"Well, yes…but-"

Time for daddy's intervention.

"No! Ayame has responsibilities just as much as your son does. As a parent, I believe that we should discipline them well in managing responsibilities."

Mikoto frowned. He was persistent, alright. Time to use her secret weapon. "Well, I suppose your father is right, Ayame-chan. But now, what will I tell Sasuke? And he had such high hopes that you would spend some time with him as well…poor dear, when I tell him that you're too busy to spend time with him…"

Ayame pouted. She had a soft spot for him, too. _'Everything's going according to plan!'_

With a brave and defiant face at her father, she took off her apron and exited the stand.

"Ayame, what are you doing?"

Mikoto smiled at her and led Ayame back to the Uchiha estate. Completely ignoring her father, Ayame asked "Ne, Mikoto-san, will Itachi get mad if I came all of a sudden?"

Mikoto grinned. "Nope." _'I'll make sure he stays put.'_

Teuchi, confused at his daughter's defiance, called out,"Ayame, get back here!"

Mikoto turned her head around and stuck her tongue out at him and blew him a silent raspberry. "Nya."

Desperately. "Ayame!" _'No! That conniving woman can't do this!'_

Teuchi sighed. "Now who's going to help me when Naruto gets here…", he whined. _'Damn you! You may have won this round, but I'm gonna win the war, just you wait and see!'_

"Ojiiiii-san!"

Oh, no.

* * *

Mikoto inwardly smirked as Ayame walked alongside her. _'Everything is going so well, I feel as if God is on my side and wants me to win. Teuchi, persistent as you are, you were so close to winning this round, but now I have a vital part that will definitely help me win…your daughter's trust. Ku ku ku…I'm so good, but I feel so…bad…tee-hee!' _

* * *

Mikoto: 3

Teuchi:-1

Girls rule. **:P**

Why do I get the feeling that I keep spelling Mikoto's name wrong?

Please review, even if it's just an itty-bitty word.


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